My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.
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i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
Copy that. Decided to shower with a beer in a glass bottle. Gotta stop the bleeding first. Be there is 20
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Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
I am the image of restraint, it's why im just hungover and not in the hospital
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