Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Hemmingway ran to paris to avoid going to the university of illinois and becoming a doctor. It was there he developed a drinking problem. I need a plane ticket.
The more I hate his personality, the more I love his penis.
Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
He asked me to spit in his mouth. I did. Never let me hook up with this guy again.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already
Outside
Watching this game makes me realize that we have yet to do Skype shots. What kind of long distance alcoholics are we?
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
So... Sex in my rain boots last night. Trashy or a great show of character?
If it was with a guy, trashy. Sex with a girl is never trashy.
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
Randomize
