I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He took a shot, then proceeded to puke into the bucket he was iceing his broken foot in
Well, I had a dudes gf walk in on us the next morning but nothing during...She shook my hand after I got dressed and said "nice to meet you with your clothes on" best moment of my life.
I had a face to face conversation with her vagina, asking it not to make me look bad.
Also this freshmen guy is talking about his gag reflex and no one is making blowjob jokes. I have no faith in the next generation.
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
I don't know how that blunt survived being in your pocket all night but you pulled it out at 4 am in 7/11 and tried to fire it up. Zero fucks given
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
I deserve this hangover.
My girl friends dad just asked how I get so drunk and then he passed out with a bloody Mary in his hand on the couch it's 230 do you know where your parents are
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