i may have used way too many innuedos last night. i scared him off. but really... how could i pass up "stimulus package" and "flacid economy." don't answer that.
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.
for future reference mormans are hard to crack but they give fucking amazing hand jobs.
there's a liquor store near my therapist
i might give it a shot.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
I deleted my history right in front of my girlfriend w/out her seeing. Let's go skydiving with no parachutes. I can live thru anything.
If this first date goes well and I like him, I won't sleep with him. But if it doesn't go well, I'll sleep with him.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
Randomize
