I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
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Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
This year i'm grateful for nothing other than the discovery that the uncircumcized rumors about him were wrong
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But the guy you're fucking should not be within ten pounds of your weight when you're five fucking feet tall and he's 6'2". That's all I'm saying.
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
well all i have to say, besides fuck you, is YOU try assembling ikea shelves while high on molly.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...