I an trashes at a wedding. Hotbcousins here I come. Agh.
I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I hate babysitting girls whose boobs are bigger than mine.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
You cannot tell me you don't have a problem while crying pantsless on a stranger's sofa bed.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Uber driver offered to have sex with me since I went home solo. - rock bottom