i watch way too much csi for them to even pretend to be my friend.
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.
These 25 Drunks Should’ve Gotten Cut Off A Long Time Ago
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.
You act like pregaming preseason hockey is a crime. Come on man, get fucked up and watch pucks. It rhymes so well it has to go together. DOS EQUIS Y DEVILS!
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Just spent the last 5 minutes laughing at my epipen. i think i'm too high.
27 Freshmen Who Really Didn’t Know What They Were Getting In To
He texted me saying that his mom found my nuva ring in their jacuzzi filter. I don't think I'm welcome back anytime soon.
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
the fat lady is now rubbing her stomach and staring at me. I hate trains
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising