I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I mean, she is a dancer for the Suns. If I didnt fuck her that would just be bad team spirit.
We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.
His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.
We came back and there was a shotglass filled with what looks like blood. Come over soon, we're gonna try it out.
I just realized my life is a timeline of drunken injuries.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
Why did I wake up with condoms on all my fingers?
Considering the girl you hooked up with, I'd be concerned about not having one on your penis.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
you told the taxi driver your yeast infection was so bad you wanted to F a popsicle
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
I blacked out after the piñata full of condoms
If he didn’t pick us up we would have been jerkwards eating sad pancakes at a Denny’s.
Randomize
