Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
So idk if it's because I'm working out again or the coke, but I hit my target weight today. Whaaaat uuuup. Come and get me thanksgiving.
he fell down during beer pong and the chick told him to rub the sand out of his pussy and suck it up. i am in love
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
Nothing bad can happen when you have a kiwi flavored condom. Absolutely nothing.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I smell like a mix of alcohol, sweat, and sex and its only 10 AM
Lessons learned from last night: do not leave me drunk and alone with strippers and a credit card. Let's do whatever's cheaper.
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