I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on
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That dog was the best thing i ever touched
But you're the one who should be jamming foreign objects into my vaj instead of an old weird lady. I mean, it is your birthday....
The guy at the ER said it was the first time he's given stitches for a funneling accident. Then he seemed upset that I took pride in that...
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
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I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
million dollar idea: razor dispensers in bar bathrooms. your welcome, girls who didn't think they were getting laid tonight.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
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