If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
I just ran into the couch, vagina first.
I hope you got dinner out of it
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I won the booty shaking contest by mooning the whole bar
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
Randomize
