God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
If there's ever a time when I've matured to the point that I don't want to look at camera-phone-titties, go ahead and bury me in a shallow grave by the railroad tracks.
Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Idk. The last coherent text said something about $25 & dimes. And then...it's just letters...
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Why make bad decisions when I can watch you?
Don't try to sleep with work colleagues because he won't be able to get it up and you won't be able to look him in the eye ever again
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
On today's episode of "What the Shit Did I Do Last Night," drunk me deleted ALL of the text messages I've ever had. Awesome.
Good News: There was a condom on the floor. Bad News: It was still in the wrapper
I realize ur driving andwont read this til u stop, but I'm sleeping in the bed of the pickup. Please don't hit a deer.
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
