Can I come over?
Can't... I'm at class right now.
No your not
I'm outside by your car.
dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
You insisted I take photos of you vomiting off the top of the tree.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I woke up half naked on the floor next to his bed, and his cat was staring at me like it had seen everything that i myself don't remember..
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Nope. I've found you care about two things in life: your momma and spreading your seed.
I’m a coke loving, addy selling, pot smoking CRIMINOLOGY major. If there isn't irony in that I give up.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Yo i still have 5 hrs left of work. I should not be this drunk
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
Randomize
