my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Good news y'all just straight up snorted 2 adderall and I'm not a real being on this plane of existence anymore and I'm ready for finals
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Just because my bed is easier to get to doesn't mean it's okay to fuck in.
Randomize
