You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
this just has baby written all over it
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Someone just took a shot from my crotch. I should not have to drive home
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
Are you good with a knife? I need someone to perform amateur surgery.
The bride is so wasted, she fell into her cake.I wanna be on her level
she just kept pointing at the cows and calling them field penguins
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