She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
It's officially time to start saving up weed money for the NCAA tournament
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
He moved away. I mourned his dick all of Sunday. I feel a little better now.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
I just called him "young grasshopper" in a conversation. THIS is why I don't get numbers when I'm sober
I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
Your level of morning after guilt is too much right now. Do less.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
Randomize
