We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....
hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
I asked you if you needed a ride and you kept saying "no, my name is katelyn"
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
That girl definitely just ate a hot dog and stared straight in to my eyes.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
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