Remember that time i walked in on your friend taking a huge shit?
Remember that time you hooked up with him?
Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
i'll just tell him I slept with them both because we needed to compare notes
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
OH YEAH AND FORGOT TO THANK YOU FOR THE lack of WARNING THAT HE WASN'T CIRCUMSIZED.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Randomize
