i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
i just realized that we are the poor version of bethenny and jill from real housewives... and I'm jill. this is a 6.5 on the depressing scale
at least we're not in new jersey
yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
How you know a guy is gay: they say they would want money, not sexual favors, from emma watson
Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.
What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know
I could get a dump truck for 1000. Think of the possibilities.
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
Sometimes a girl needs 4 shots of whiskey in her diet coke at 5 in the afternoon and i feel no shame in admitting that girl is me
You invented a drink at the bar and named it Boner Soup. It was like an even trashier version of a long island iced tea
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
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