I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
girl in the front row yawned. double jointed jaw. i know where i'll be sitting next class
And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool
It could be our claim to fame
Done. I'll pack a cooler.
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
hey watch out, they threw flour on everyone who passed out at their party last year.
I think you were giving a sex seminar on your kitchen table last night.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My neighbor came out@4am in a pink nite gown n clotheslined a punk on a mo-ped w/her mop handle, then just walked back in her house like she just checked the mail. MILF 1 PUNK 0
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
