I want to come over to your house, give you money for liquor, fuck you, and then kick it untill I have to go home. Was that blatent enough for you?
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
the only thing I remember was some guy took out his fake eye to use it for beer pong
It was great. He never spoke.
That's not why it was great, just that's all I remember.
I haven't had sex since the Vanilla Ice concert
Please don't have sex ever again just so you can say that forever.
One day when i undoubtedly need an intervention please let it include lightsabers.
I think I can handle that.
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
You were painting for six hours and managed one four foot wall. "The Mellow Handyman" isn't a good business model.
Randomize
