My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water
We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.
I cried and ate like 6 tacos in the taco bell parking lot at almost midnight, sober, alone, listening to a demi lavato cd. And that was the good part.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
I just broke a sweat masturbating on a Friday night. I may need a boyfriend.
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
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