I was getting a bj with sports center on in the background
Da na na, na na naa
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
I accidentally requested the ides of march off instead of st patricks day. Is this an omen? will alcohol be my brutus?
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Hey remember that time you called a woman a "man in a dress" and then threw up in a drinking fountain?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
So I just saw someone get shoved into a car trunk by your car.
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
He kept trying to make out with me but I was just trying to show him Shrek memes
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
