you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you
It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
He's going to be my graduation present to myself.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
When she asked why I felt bad I said that it may have had something to do with the gin and cold pizza I had for breakfast.... And then I reflected on what my life has become.
Also, you should've bet on Team Liver.
We won.
USA USA USA
There is a Victoria's Secret pageant on right now with Taylor Swift singing in lingerie. I didn't know a penis could get this erect.
The only reason I have clothes in my overnight bag is to cover up my sex toys.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
If you think hives from an allergic reaction to lube is funny, remind me to tell you the story about how I got a black eye from masturbating.
Pussy, Peanut Butter Cookies,and Bubble Wrap
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
This is either going to be a hilarious catfish or the fuck trophy of the century.
i feel like i got punched in the face....
you did....
Randomize
