The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
of course we have a beer bong
how else would we feed our christmas tree
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
The whole bar erupted and in happiness and confusion as I went on about pancakes.
So then we ended up at a bar full of navy SEALs and I got one of them to take his shirt off, then I felt him up
I feel like 31-year old me is 21-year old me's hero
I don't think he likes that I'm always sending him pictures of me in my bra but he needs to get it together
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
I wanna trust fall face first on a penis.
Umm I might be late. Also I am may or may not have mayonnaise on my ass
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