My boyfriend texted me as I was texting some random hookup from last night. His text: "Morning baby" My response: "Your cum is in my hair"
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Its the least I can do really, I mean, I did sleep with her husband...
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
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