you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
The bridesmaid just threw up on herself. This is going to be the best wedding ever
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore
The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.
Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.
I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.
I referred to the cat as amicable.
It's not that he's ugly its just that being blind folded makes everything less awkward
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
How do you explain to your mom that you let your friend stab you in the leg while drunk and high on coke?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
The blunt fell in the hottub, i mean i knew she was upset but i didnt expect her to dive for it and come up balling her eyes out...
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
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