I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
I DID IT WITH MY SOCKS ON!
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
They thought we spoke German and French even though we just kept repeating "I give to you a cat" and "Are you drunk?"
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.
I'm not sure if I should be proud of you for having morals or disappointed in you for letting your sex life get this sad.
She seriously left me for a guy that likes his own statuses on facebook.....
Gave up on finding an ashtray.... just started flicking it in my purse.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
Randomize
