And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
Just found a copy of intimate toy times in my mom's trash can...
Warning...her vagina is big, like sleeping bag big.
then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
He was all like, "I think ur the one that got away and I miss you." I replied, "I gave u a hand job once in your hot tub. No need to wax nostalgic about it."
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
My dad wants to dress like mitt Romney tomorrow night and tell trick or treaters they owe him candy.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
I'm a 23 year old adult who just ordered condoms online from Target because I'm still too embarrassed to buy them in the store.
And then you poured the rest of the vodka into salsa and added the alcohol soaked pineapples and grapes and said "don't touch my salsa breakfast".
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
He brought me another shot of rum, ice and my underwear when I woke up.
What a gentleman.
I KNOW, right?!
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