I was hooking up with him in my car, he wouldn't stop with my nipples, I had to literally beat him off of me. He kept groaning too while he was doing it. Sick.
Mommy issues
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"
incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.
The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.
Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?
This is why I married you.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
Why is my car covered in what appears to be salsa verde?
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Campus scavenger hunt! and by scavenger hunt I mean all the pharmacies are sold out of Plan B.
God yes pancakes and booze sounds like the best night ever.
I'm too hungover to Google him and try to save face.
Randomize
