i just peed in a port a potty and wiped with my credit card statement. fuck yeah!
Giving the kids Children's Claritin and calling it candy.....Is it setting them up for drug abuse later?
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
Oh and my new excuse for not being able to hook up is cholera, feel free to use it
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
10/10 would definitely still fuck you dressed as squirrel
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
Did we kick in my basement door last night?
Yes. I think you actually bought tennis shoes specifically for that application.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
the orange of my hangover Tang is hurting my eyes... my coworkers knew it was hangover Tang too.
Randomize
