I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.
Oh its going to be that type of weekend?
Using Michelob Ultra as champagne.
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
The walk of shame was so much longer today. i have to start fucking guys in my own postcode.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
Just slather his penis with BBQ sauce
Randomize
