Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
how do flat chested girls get laid?
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
seriously. next time...underwear. I'm not spending any other holiday season wondering if it'll be my last babyless one.
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
man my uterus needs to drop the egg or GTFO, BUUUSHIT
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
