Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
she's got a whisker from her dead cat taped to the wall. I'm pretty sure that about sums it up...
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
and PS, please don't fuck in the corn maze, k?
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
Oh god. I finally realized why the coked out Stevie wonder was explaining the concept of movember to the McDonalds clerk. Drunk me didn't process that another month comes after Halloween... It's apparently November.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
Is valentines day the worst or best day to ask for a threesome? I'm weighing some options on this high-risk manoeuvre.
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
