i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
we got kicked out of the bar last night for sneaking into the back kitchen and eating handfulls of cheese in the walk in fridge
Dude I'm hungover as fuck in a bed in Baltimore with another man... I don't think I can make it.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm mainly pissed because I shaved fucking EVERYTHING for this. WITH SHAVING CREAM. Men do not appreciate how rarely that happens.
You’re sleeping on my couch so you’re not making dick appointments tonight
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