I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
Some broad at the bar just asked me how much money I make. I don't know whats worse, the question or the answer.
you can't get genital warts from dogs can you?
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
Last night was just a whirlwind of Mario Brothers and sex.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
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