I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
I woke up with spaghetti in my mouth
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
i told you the emergency thong was a good idea.
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
Who wants vodka and apple sauce
Dude. If I met a dinosaur right now. we'd totally be on the same page. Brainwaves and shit.
Dude, you went to another fraternity's formal as a joke and came home with one of their dates. AND you managed to get her number. Please explain to me how that's not a good night.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
Did you just tell me you watch cartoon porn because it's more real?
We have a lot of substance abuse to do tomorrow its sleep time
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
I was giving this fat lawyer a table dance and he asked me if I would be willing to play with his long, hard stick of the law. And you want me to stop drinking at work?
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