He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.
I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."
Listen man this isn't about soccer. It's about America and day drinking... Your two favorite things now get your ass over here
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
So "I hate myself Mondays" has extended to Tuesday this week. I just had peanut butter and a glass of wine for lunch.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
I'm never going out with the ashleys again. it was whoreible. terrifyingly whoreible.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Randomize
