Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
jersey shore drinking game rules must be edited. almost died. how is it possible for a person to say guido that many times
uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
took off my bra and popcorn fell out of it. im gonna puke at this wedding...
The cleaning lady has a form she makes me sign every time she finds me passed out in my office so she can keep track of how much to charge me each month for keeping quiet about it.
I farted in his bed and then in my drunken stupor grabbed hair defanging spray to cover up the stench.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
We're getting a bucket of chicken and screwing around, so no, you can't join us.
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