I just passed on expense account drinking, this must be the worst hangover ever.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.
well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly
Sheila knows I only go down on her on Bastille Day. Valentine's Day we get high and watch The Neverending Story. THE SYSTEM WORKS.
I called you a cum goblin in my voicemail. I stand by it.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
NO HE PUT HIS HAND IN HIS PANTS BEFORE HE TOUCHED THE BONG.
ILLEGAL
I can still be you friend and be there for you. And sometimes get drunk and fuck you.
i can do like, 15 pushups. 20 if i listen to dubstep.
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
she crawled a good forty meters just to whisper in my ear... "dildon't"
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