I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
Just called my mom. She definitely saw all those fb statuses so thanks for that.
Haha did she know what fisting meant?
Yeah. Which is upsetting in itself
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
Drinking vodka and pirating music in the library. Welcome to finals week.
I'll get you through man, I'll be your fairy godmother with better prescription drugs
Dude you asked your tattoo if it wanted to go swimming
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
