Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
Would it be too much if i wore depends to new moon so i dont miss any of it?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
I just think that exercising will really get in the way of my painkiller induced nap time rituals. There's gotta be a better way.
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
Its was awkward last year cuz in the middle of it her mom bust In the room with noise makers and champagne
Getting high in the car with mom and the aunts during intermission for drag queen bingo. Details later.
She was way too drunk so I dropped her off at her house and smoked a huge blunt with her mom.
I need a fuck buddy with more available hours
cmon you know I'm perfectly capable of something that ridiculous 100% sober
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
I puked on someone's floor last night and then they proceeded to ask me on a date.
Randomize
