tonight is going to be epic. can you pre-book an ambulance?
I woke up to the bathroom door of steak n shake hitting me in the face at 4 in the morning...
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him
he came on my stomach and it was 1000 degrees in his car. i smelled awesome.
He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
You're not stopping till I see you on the ground trying to hold on to shit
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
I have bits of ceiling fan all over now
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
Can I just fuck someone without it basically becoming an arranged marriage
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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