Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say
Jail is not for me. They portion control your meals and I don't really like that.
Maybe you need to change your pickup move. The "hey check these out" titty flash gets you the wrong kinda man.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
He ate me out in the warehouse on a pallet of sunlight soap. I fucking love night shift!
Randomize
