We succumbed to passion, and then he had to go meet his girlfriend. End of story.
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
mike is out of commission and cannot make breakfast. he's sitting with two frozen waffles on his face & smiling like an idiot.
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Dude, I'm trippin balls. For real, I thought this bag on my floor was my dog for the longest time...
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
i tried giving myself a bikini wax.1. i hate you 2. i think i'm dying
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
Its 7am I'm awake still drunk, there is food, random clothing and road cone in my room. I can't decide if this is a failure or a success???
What do you bring to an "I'm getting divorced party?"
.......Shattered dreams and tequila?
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
