She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.
i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...
it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
I actually cannot wait for your visit. I miss people who make me look like the virgin mary in comparison.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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