Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
Dude, you sent that text at 9:44 AM. Who thinks of drugs that early?
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
Was there a condom involved? Because he was saying he wanted a kid. Repeatedly.
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
dying me prepared for dead me... i woke up with my laptop open to the last snl episode, a bottle of gatorade, advil and a bag of chocolate all next to me
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Do dollar stores sell vibrators?
Randomize
