there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
im returning my roomates shirt with a "i got laid in this" thank you note
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
Drunk me cleaned my room for me. Needless to say our relationship has improved greatly
i was mezmorized. she was the most beautiful girl that looked like a boy i ever seen
Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
If y'all wanna know how far the apple fell from the tree I'm sexting during Easter service. Mom would be so proud 😳
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
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