I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.
I just want to go to their admissions office and show them the video of him taking the flaming shot, and be like yeah...you let in the kid who lit his entire face on fire over me.
I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime
I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito
Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?
He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs
A sexy devil squat down and peed in front of Tom Hanks from Castaway.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
I just woke up on my neighbors floor with my boots on, but no pants. I have 3 separate taco bell receipts in my pocket.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Randomize
