I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.
Watching crazy stupid love and drinking alone isn't what I thought it was gonna be
Its TONS better. Expect a drunk dial at 11:54
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Ps this homeless dude just came in hotel bar w a sword sticking out his jumpsuit trying to buy a drink w a 3rd party check
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I'm like bob the builder except I'm fixing boners.
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
I got a message the other day that just said “great tits”
A gentleman AND a scholar
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