Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I'm starting to think I didn't bring enough liquor for this family Christmas.
It's 2 pm....
The bend and snap? 98% success rate of getting attention. When used appropriately, it has an 83% rate of return on a dinner invitation.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I might go to an NA meeting just to fuck that boy in the bathroom.
You rinsed the beer pong ball off in my White Russian
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I didn't have any choice but to cuddle you. Your hair was stuck on my nipple piercing.
Randomize
