i know we just met, but i forget your name, and i'm wondering why my penis burns?
my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???
After she threw up on my floor she started singing "this is why I'm hot."
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
he just fed my chickens on farmville...i guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex<3
I'm sorry for peeing on your door. But it was your decision to open it.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I was sending him tit pics while watching how to train your dragon 2. It was everything.
I wouldn't marry anyone who wouldn't symbolically fuck a doughnut with a sausage though.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
she compared me favorably to her vibrator
which one?
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