my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk
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You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
She gives pretty bad head, but when it's in her dad's Lexus SUV it's tough to complain.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
We are hot boxing the gondola
I hate everything.
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When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
They just keep looking funny at me. No one has attempted to tell me that I don't make sense though so maybe they're all way more high than I am.
Why are you taking pics in the bathroom with the plunger? I mean you still look hot and I'm totally going to wack off to it.
The best part of the night was you shouting "I have to take the LSAT tomorrow" between shots of fireball.
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
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