Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
please hurry. your mom just evil laughed to herself in the kitchen like she's plotting my death.
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.
So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
halloween is the only time that anne boleyn, the joker, a cowgirl, and a mexican man complete with sombrero and poncho can all hit the same blunt
im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
so...the lady doing my pedi totally noticed the human bite marks on my calf. Who says marriage ends your sex life? Love u!
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
