I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
If I can't get slightly excited by the thought of his face between my legs then I know I can never sleep with him.
If I have to give a UPS guy a lap dance, you owe me a drink.
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
Randomize
