I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?
I gave it to your brother to give to you.
Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I just got attacked by a swarm of butterflies. Nothing is okay anymore.
I got my eyebrow ring humped out. How is that even possible?
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I ordered from the drive thru as i was peeing on the menu
Well I thought I saw everything and then I saw Christmas themed poop bags at Petco.
Randomize
