with her its the mind over matter factor, i dont mind and she dont matter
Me liking this guy is the best diet ever. Do I want this cookie...or do I want to get laid.
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
So how was the sex with me last night?
No worse than usual.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
If I win the lottery I'm going to hire someone to skywrite "FUCKTARD" over his house. That much anger.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
It wasn't until I lost my earring that I realized "I've been here before". Turns out we fucked a year ago. We've decided to make it a tradition.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
